That'll be the stage coming, miss.
Thank you.
Whoa!
Hey, what do you got to drink inside, junior?
Coffee. Coffee?
Good thing we got our own refreshments.
Well, you can't get drunk on coffee.
Boy, and I'd hate to try.
Ain't that the truth.
And I don't even like it.
Never drink it.
Well, now.
What sort of pretty little thing are you?
Hi, honey.
How 'bout having a drink with me and my friends here?
No, thank you.
Now you ain't being polite.
What, do you expect her to bottle-lip with us?
Get a cup for the little lady.
I told you, I don't want a drink.
You hear that, fellas?
She said she'd be delighted.
Lady doesn't look delighted.
I don't like your piano playing.
Ma'am.
I don't know how I can ever thank you, Mr. West.
Oh, it is Mr. West, isn't it?
Have we met?
I'm Amanda Morrison.
Caleb Morrison is my uncle.
You're the niece of the superintendent
of the San Francisco Mint.
I was lucky enough to be visiting
the day it was held up.
I had a box-seat view
of all the exciting things that went on.
You weren't lucky, and it wasn't exciting.
Those were vicious killers that attacked the mint.
Didn't mean to sound so callous.
You know something?
I didn't mean to sound so disapproving.
Well, actually, I still wake up shaking
when I think what might have happened
if you and your partner hadn't killed that-
That horrible man who led them.
Emmet Stark.
Oh, yes. Now I remember.
He wasn't killed, he was wounded.
He's now serving a life sentence.
You know, Uncle Caleb still has to use a cane.
And he might've been killed like all those poor guards
if it hadn't been for you and...
You'll have to excuse me for staring,
but I just cannot remember meeting you.
It was five years ago.
I've grown up since then.
Yes, you've, uh, grown up since then.
All right, we're ready to roll, folks!
Any time you are, you-
Hey, what happened?
Those gentlemen will be catching a later stage.
Oh, dear. I forgot something.
Oh, I'll get it.
No, Mr. West.
I insist on powdering my own nose.
Hey, miss, you forgot your bag.
Boy, he sure was a handful.
Well, he isn't anymore.
Sheriff!
Anybody home?
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Artemus Gordon, man of mystery.
Oh, yes. Cloak and dagger.
Oh, actually, Velia,
there's nothing mysterious about me at all
right this minute.
Mmm.
Oh!
Champagne for lunch.
I feel so deliciously sinful.
I know, I feel that way all the time.
All right then.
Artemus Gordon, if your life is such an open book,
what do you do?
What do I do? Mmm.
Oh, you mean what do I do? You mean work?
Oh, I- I'm in, uh, porcelain door handles.
Porcelain door handles?
Oh, seriously?
Velia, I hope you are not the kind of a girl
who thinks that a man would make jokes
about something like that.
I know, but porcelain door handles?
As a matter of fact,
I happen to be very good at it.
I brought a whole new dimension
to porcelain door handles.
Just the other day, my divisional sales manager
told me he had me in mind for a promotion.
He called me into his office
and said to me, "Gordon," he said,
"I've been keeping my eye on you for some time-"
I do hope I'm not interrupting.
Not at all, colonel.
What are you doing here in Virginia City?
I just arrived.
Oh, well, excuse me.
May I present Colonel Richmond?
This is Miss Velia Marsh.
How do you do?
I'll bet you're Artemu''
divisional sales manager, right?
Yes, uh...
You might say that, yes.
Well, Artemus was just telling me
how he brought a whole new dimension
to the world of porcelain door-
Uh, Velia, darling, why don't you see
whether you can get some kind of a tune
out of that piano player over there, huh?
Thank you very much. I'll be right with you.
There a hon.
What's the trouble, colonel?
Remember Emmet Stark? Mm-hm.
He shot his way out of prison.
Now, I don't have to remind you
of his curtain speech to you and West
after the judge sentenced him.
I remember it very well.
"Neither chains, nor bars, nor the devil himself
can keep me from settling my score with you two."
Listen, I just had a wire from Jim
saying he was leaving Tonopah
for a town called Paradox.
I'm gonna go back to the train and wire-
What's the matter?
Paradox?
Yes.
As divisional sales manager,
I should naturally know all the towns
in my territory, right?
I never heard of that one.
Velia!
There you are, my dear.
Look, why don't you start on the escargot without me?
The colonel and I have to plan an emergency sales campaign.
There's a love.
Porcelain door handles.
Easy, boy.
Easy.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Well, what do they say?
Ah, same thing Washington said.
There is no Paradox, insofar as they know.
Not in Nevada or anywhere in the United States.
So obviously, Jim never sent that telegram.
Obviously.
Well, let's just separate the fact from the fiction,
shall we, colonel?
There has to be some connection
with Jim's being lured into this phony Paradox
and Emmet Stark suddenly escaping from-
Excuse me.
Oh, Jim, darl-
Oh!
Oh, dear.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's all right.
I thought- I thought you were-
James West, I know. Yeah.
Right idea, wrong man.
Oh.
Would you tell him Amanda Vail is here, please?
Oh, I'm sorry.
He isn't here at the moment, Miss Vail.
Not here?
Well, he has to be.
We arranged to meet here.
He's taking me to lunch.
Uh, when was this arranged, miss?
When?
Well, yesterday at Tonopah, when we got on the stage.
The lunch was his idea.
Uh, excuse me, Miss Vail,
but do you happen to know where he was headed?
I think he mentioned a town named Paradox.
Uh, the stage stopped at, uh, Paradox?
No, I remember now.
Jim got off at a relay station.
Como Creek.
But I don't-
Oh, well, this is ridiculous.
Why am I standing here
discussing all this nonsense?
Jim was supposed to meet me here,
and if he hasn't the courtesy
to remember an engagement, he could-
Now, miss, I'm sure that he-
Well, she certainly left in a huff, didn't she?
Pulled by a spanking pair of black horses.
Good at riddles, colonel?
Not very. Why?
Why is Miss Vail's performance like this cuckoo clock?
All right. Why?
Because it just cuckooed four times,
while the hands point to 7:00.
But in actual fact, the time happens to be 12:30.
I see.
Neither one rings true.
This another one of your talented hunches?
No, just a matter of simple logic, sir.
If Amanda left in such a huff
because she was stood up for lunch by Jim,
why was it conveniently waiting outside
for her to depart in?
As if she knew she'd be leaving alone.
Exactly.
I just think I'll have one of my men
tail Miss Amanda Vail.
What do you think?
I think that's the indicated treatment, sir.
That, plus a little visit to Como Creek.
Who are you?
I'm- I'm Betsy Cole.
You alone?
What are you doing here?
I guess I'm lost.
Well, tell me about being lost.
Well, I-
I left home this morning.
I've never been very far away before.
By myself, I mean.
I guess I just got lost.
Well, where were you headed?
Nowhere in particular.
Daddy thrashed me for the last time,
if you gotta know.
You see, there was this boy named Larkin,
and he wanted to take me to a dance, and-
Daddy said he'd kill him if he came around again.
And he would have.
So you ran away to save young Larkin?
I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
All right.
Do you live here?
Uh-uh.
Nobody lives here. Come on.
Are you in some kind of danger?
Yeah.
You said there were no other people in this town.
You're hurt!
Yeah, I am hurt.
And, no, there are people in this town,
but they don't wanna be seen.
But they're watching us. You can bet on it.
Why?
It's some kind of a game that they're playing.
Game? What kind of game?
The object is to see if they can scare me first.
And then?
Never mind.
You get out of this place.
You'd be a lot less lost in the desert
than you are in this town.
Well, if somebody's trying to scare you,
why don't you leave?
Because I like to see how games end.
If you know anything about a telegraph,
maybe you could get help.
I mean, I just passed a telegraph office.
Down there.
And I heard kind of a clicking sound inside.
Of course, there had to be a telegraph office.
Working?
Naturally.
Maybe somebody will hear you.
I'm sure somebody will.
Nobody heard you.
Wait.
What are they saying?
"Count the hours, Mr. West.
"Tomorrow you will die,
"hating yourself for what you will have done.
Emmet Stark."
What does that mean,
"Tomorrow you will die,
hating yourself for what you will have done"?
I don't know yet.
Good morning.
How's your leg?
I've known it when it's felt better,
but fortunately the bleeding stopped.
I was going to make us some breakfast,
but there's no food in the kitchen.
There's plenty of food at the general store.
I'll get it. No.
No, you rest.
I'll get it.
Thanks.
Good morning, sir!
Fine-looking town you got here.
You like it?
It's yours.
Aw, give me a man
with a sense of humor every time.
The name's Goff. Hector Goff.
Traveling man in dry goods and sundries.
There. How is it now?
Thanks, doc. It snapped.
Great day in the-
Morning.
Well, maybe this won't be a total loss after all.
Oh, uh, this is Miss Fogarty.
Most recently from the thriving mining town
of Dead Dog, Colorado, on our way to-
Excuse me, Mr. Goff.
This man is injured.
I'm Dr. Prior.
What's the matter with your leg?
All right, come on.
What's next? Come on, I'm waiting.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
What are all you people doing here?
Look, mister, we-
We come awful close to losing a wheel
a few miles back,
so I figured I better pull in here
and tighten up this here axle nut, see?
Yeah, that desert out there isn't my idea
of a pleasant place to be stranded in.
No, this town's not on my regular run either.
Fact is, I, uh- I never heard of it before.
But you've all heard of Emmet Stark.
Who?
Never mind.
It's a long story.
Well, perhaps you'll tell us about it
while I have a look at that leg of yours.
Come along, Mr. Goff. Lend me a hand.
How long will it be, driver?
Few more turns of the wrench,
we'll be ready.
Thank you.
Thank you, Miss Fogarty.
You would make an excellent nurse.
The kind of places I work, doc,
it's just part of the job.
I'm afraid I had to be
a little rough on you, Mr. West.
That's all right, doc.
That story you told us, friend,
now that's one for the books.
That's for sure.
There.
That'll take the edge off the pain.
You're coming with us, of course?
I'm very grateful, doctor.
We're all set to roll.
About time.
Come on, honey.
Come along, Mr. West.
What is it, Mr. West?
You haven't changed your mind, have you?
If you don't get out of this town,
you're making a big mistake.
Well, I guess you know your own mind, honey.
Doctor.
Doctor, wait.
You said I could come with you.
Doc! Ha!
Excuse me, are you the station master?
Yes, sir.
Well, I'm looking for a friend of mine
who came in on a stage here yesterday.
His name is West.
West?
Let me see now...
Excuse me, sir.
Maybe I could help.
Sir?
I'm Dr. Prior.
I couldn't help overhearing your question
to the station master.
Could the friend you're looking for
be James West, by any chance?
Yes.
It is the same one.
We saw your friend this morning.
Oh, fine. Where?
Oh, won't you sit down and we'll fill you in, Mr...
Gordon. Artemus Gordon.
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, uh, may I present Miss Fogarty?
How do you do? Hello.
And Mr. Goff.
Pleased and proud to meet you, sir.
Likewise, I'm sure.
Thank you very much.
Uh, may I ask where it was
you saw Mr. West?
On the road just a few miles from here.
Our stage developed wheel trouble
and while we were stopped, Mr. West rode by
and asked if he could be of any assistance.
He certainly has polish and breeding, your friend.
There you go.
Oh, thank you.
Here, Mr. Gordon.
Let me get that out of your way.
Thank you.
Fortunately, the trouble was minor.
Something the driver took care of.
So after we chatted for a while, your friend rode on.
Rode on where?
He said he was on his way to Virginia City
to meet a friend.
Might have been referring to you, Mr. Gordon.
Did, uh, he seem strange in any way?
How's that?
Oh, he had real lovely manners.
Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, he wasn't hurt
or anything like that, was he?
Looked in good shape to me.
I'll say.
Well, it's a relief to know he's all right
as far as he went, anyway.
He, uh, didn't happen to mention where he'd been
or anything like that, did he?
No. Can't recall he did.
Are you figuring on returning
to Virginia City to meet Mr. West?
Yes, I am.
Long ride, isn't it?
Why not come along with us in the stage?
Yes, Mr. Gordon.
Why don't you?
Well, thank you.
I don't mind if I do.
Good!
Oh, excuse me.
All right, you three,
we're gonna have the truth out of you now.
Where's Jim West?
Talk!
I'm gonna ask you just one more...
time...
What's the matter, Mr. Gordon?
Sudden attack of vertigo?
It was in the coffee, wasn't it?
From the classic double vision
and the lack of balance, I'd say it was...
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Jim.
Relax, Artie.
You're all right?
Fine.
Let's get ready for Emmet Stark.
I got you.
You filthy...
I killed him.
The man that was like a brother to me.
I killed him for you, didn't I?
I really should apologize, Mr. Gordon.
It was what you wanted, wasn't it?
You planned it that way all along.
No, no, no.
Actually, I planned that Mr. West would kill you.
However, in a drama as intricate
as the one we've just enacted,
we shouldn't quarrel with a slight variation
on a theme, should we?
So you killed West.
A mere detail, really.
Not really.
Well, well, well,
I'd almost forgotten how full of subtleties
you and Mr. Gordon were.
What now?
I suggest it's a Mexican standoff, Stark.
Why not?
Check, double-check,
and finally...
...triple-check.
You are now covered by a double-barreled shotgun.
Drop your guns, both of you.
You can come out now.
Thank you, my dear.
Gentlemen, my daughter.
This seems to be a day for resurrections,
doesn't it, Mr. West?
First you and now Betsy returned from the dead.
What about the other members of your company?
The three soldiers and Amanda?
Not to mention that sterling trio
that sing and dance their way into your hearts-
Prior, Goff and Fogarty.
All patiently waiting for us
at Como Creek.
And now, with due regard for your masterful stalling,
au revoir.
Come, my dear.
These men have work to do.
Let's go.
Move it.
Let's go. Get over there!
Face the wall and turn around.
Jim, the gun!
May I have the gun, dear?
Jesse.
Here we are, darling.
Thank you, Daddy.
There we go.
It was fun, wasn't it, Daddy?
Indeed it was, my dear.
It worked out quite well.
You may drive on, Jesse!
Daddy?
Jesse!
Hang on, Artie.
You bet.
Stop, you hear! Jesse!
What's going on here?
Stop! Stop, do you hear!
Artie, what did you do that for?
I was enjoying Stark's music box.
It was like an instant party.
Until our legs heal,
we couldn't do any dancing anyway.
Let's face it.
Something's gone out of our lives.
I'm glad Stark and that whole gang
are rounded up and back in the poky.
Yeah, nothing but dullness
facing us now.
I can stand a little dullness.
Artie? Hm?
I got a surprise for you.
It just might cheer you up.
For me?
Oh, you shouldn't have.
I know. That's why I didn't.
Hey, it's from Velia Marsh.
Oh, that sweet little thing.
And after the way I left her alone
in that restaurant.
You would have-
Oh, something died.
Escargot aren't supposed to smell like that.
They do after they're a week old.